Low-fat Oatmeal Banana Bread for my soul

I’ve been having such a rotten streak lately and I absolutely hate it. Since my last post, a couple of things happened that have left me feeling like someone drowning in a fountain of emotion, and today finally, I am drained and fatigued. You know how in the height of your emotions, you feel like you have so much fight inside you it could lift a mountain? Well when it ebbs, all that is left is a hollow tiredness. The fight in me just went poof and in a moment I am certain I will begin to realise how much time and energy I have wasted being stupidly upset.

Oddly enough, this blankness feels so much better than all those times I had my fists balled up to my sides and my teeth gritted. I’ve cried maybe a month’s worth of tears in the last few days alone, and my eyes feel swollen and are kind of misty as I stare at the screen, but the important thing is, it feels like the storm is over. I actually feel like my old in-control self again.

Sometimes I feel like The Hulk when I let my heart get the better of me, because things start going crazy. Somewhere in the aftermath of my emotional meltdown, I think I subconsciously made the decision to simply face whatever is about to happen even though I do not agree with any of it. But if it doesn’t happen in the way that I have been resisting, then thank God. But whatever the future brings, I will have to deal with it in the best way I possibly can.

This morning, I sat down for breakfast and the banana bread I made a few days ago was staring right back at me. Now I’m not the type of person who channels my frustrations on food. You won’t see me nursing any heartaches with a tub of ice cream, or stuffing my face with chocolate and candy after a hard day. You’d be more likely to see me running or punching stuff; sometimes sleeping to clear my head, or simply reading in a quiet place to escape reality. But today I understand more than I have ever before why people go to food for comfort, because for a reason I cannot explain, the moment I took a bite of this bread, I felt immensely better.

After a slice, I made myself a small ham sandwich, but I didn’t get the same kind of satisfaction from it so back to the banana bread I went. I must’ve been quite a sight: staring into space as I occasionally dip chunks of banana bread into steaming coffee; gulping in enormous breaths of air in between silent chewing. It did the trick, you know. And I had to stop myself from eating the whole mini-loaf because not only was it consoling, it smelled amazing and was delicious. Not only did it become one of my favourite banana breads, it officially holds comfort food status for me from here on out.

Here’s to a successful search for peace.

I went through the day a little bit like a zombie because of the eyes and the exhaustion, but more or less like someone who had a stake finally removed from her chest. I think the banana bread contributed to that even by just a little. And now that all the bread has been eaten, I think I’m going to make some more.

PS. Thank you to everyone who left me encouraging comments on my last post. They definitely helped. Yesterday I had a nice long talk with a good friend too, and it put a lot of things in perspective for me. What a week. I fully intend to set things back to normal come next week. I hope your week was a lot better.